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OF ALGERNON BLOW 

Price, 15 Cents 



H. UJ. Pinero's Plays 

Price, 50 gents Eacb 



THF A M A 7ft1SK Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, five f e- 
IflEi AlflAtjV/liu males. Costumes, modern; scenery, not 
diflicult. Plays a full evening. 

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tumes, modern society; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening- 

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UIC UftTTCl? IW OPFIITP Comedy in Four Acts. Nine males, 
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scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE UARRV UftRQF Comedy in Three Acts. Ten males, 
inEi nuDDl nV/I\iJ£i fi ve females. Costumes, modern; 
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IDIC Drama in Five Acts. Seven males, seven females. Costumes, 
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I AHV RAITMTII7ITI Play in Four Acts. Eight males, 
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I FTTY Crania m Eour Acts and an Epilogue. Ten males, five 
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Plays a full evening. 

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The Blow-Up of Algernon Blow 
A Farce in Two Acts 



By 
VANCE C. CRISS 

Author of "His Methodist Foot" etc. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1917 






The Blow-Up of Algernon Blow 



CHARACTERS 



J. Algernon Blow, who knows everything and isn t ashamed 

of it. 
Ferdy Simpleton, a worshiper whose idol is Blow. 
Bob Burwell, tuho finds a zvay to subdue the arrogant. 
Hannibal Scipio Jones, who is lost when his eyes stray from a 

Latin book. 
Jonas Crabtree, who can lay aside ill humor when occasion 

demands. 
I. Writemup, in search of an obituary. 
Dr. Slashem, prepared for eventualities, 
O. Marble Toombs, who zvould allow the dying a choice. 

Time of Playing. — Thirty : five minutes. 




Copyright, 1917, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 
©CI.D 46236 



SUGGESTIONS TO THE PRODUCER 

Blow is a young fellow, flashily dressed, very officious and very- 
conceited. 

Simpleton is an imitator of Blow, though less fastidiously 
dressed, and somewhat more subdued. 

Burwell is an average young man, natural in all he says and 
does. 

Jones should wear poorly fitting clothes, and should be made up 
very pale. 

Crabtree is a man of middle age, somewhat dyspeptic in ap- 
pearance and speech. 

Writemup is a trifle immature, but very businesslike. 

Slashem is a middle-aged man, deliberate in speech and 
manner. 

Toombs is a mature man, whose movements are seldom and 
whose tones are mournful. 



R means to the actor's right as he faces the audience. L means 
to the actor's left as he faces the audience. Down-stage means 
toward the footlights. Up-stage means toward the rear of the stage. 
C means center of the stage. 



The Blow-Up of Algernon Blow 



ACT I 

SCENE. — The parlor of Mrs. Starvem's boarding-house. 
Time, just before the dinner hour. There is a table tip 
stage c. Chairs are placed as follows : o?ie back of table, 
one R. of table, one L. of table, and one down stage R. 
There is a settee doivn stage l. Telephone on wall r. 

{The curtain rises and discloses Jonas Crabtree seated on 
settee reading paper, Ferdy Simpleton seated back of 
table, and Hannibal Scipio Jones seated r. of table en- 
grossed in book.) 

Sim. I wish Blow would come. I bought a new tie to-day 
and I'm anxious to see what he thinks of my taste. 

Crab, (over his shoulder). The only kind of a taste that 
would do you any good would be a taste of carbolic acid. 

Bob Burwell (entering r.). Good-evening, fellows. (Takes 
chair down stage r.) This has been a mighty fine day. The 
weather has been ideal for the past week. 

Crab. Well, isn't it about time we were having some 
decent weather? We've had enough rain this spring to make 
Noah jealous. 

Sim. I can't understand why Blow doesn't come. I sure 
want to show him that tie. 

Crab, (over his shoulder). Oh, darn that tie. The hang- 
man's the only fellow who can fix a tie like you ought to wear. 

Bur. What makes you so cheerful, Crabtree? You must 
have bought an interest in an undertaking establishment. 

Jones (looking up from book). What did you say you had 
bought ? 

Bur. I said I had bought something for you that you have 
needed for a long time. 

Jones, What is it ? 

5 



6 THE BLOW-UP OF ALGERNON BLOW 

Bur. A grubbing hoe. 

Jones. What on earth would I do with a grubbing hoe ? 

Bur. You might use it in digging out Latin roots. 

Sim. Latin roots ! Why, I never even heard of a Latin 
tree. 

Crab. No, I expect not. They don't grow on farms. 

J. Algernon Blow (entering r.). What's the matter with 
dinner? Jf the old lady doesn't get better service around 
here, we're going to have to eat our dinner after we come 
home at night. 

( Crosses to l. of table and takes chair. ) 

Sim. Blow, I have been waiting for you. I want you to 
come up to the room to see a new tie I bought to-day. I'm 
anxious to see what you'll think of my taste. 

Blow. No need to see the tie to tell that. Haven't I told 
you a hundred times that your taste is wretched ? 

Sim. Yes, but I wanted to see if you didn't think I was 
improving. 

Blow. Speaking of ties reminds me of a delightful chat I 
had to-day with Amy Tootsie, the movie queen. 

Bur. How many yards of ribbon did she buy ? 

Blow. This was not a business conversation ; it was a 
social visit. I'll tell you about it. (Jones resumes studying, 
Bur. takes out a paper and begins to read, and Crab, returns 
to his reading.) 1 happened to be seated alone at a table in the 
'Varsity club grill room when Amy entered for lunch. She 
and I were old pals when I was acting for the camera. It 
was our first chat for some time and she had a lot of questions 
to ask about the old days. She said she certainly was sorry I 
had quit the movie game, and wanted to know if I'd consider 
an offer from the company she's with. I told her there wasn't 
a thing doing. If there had been any chance for real art in 
the movies I'd have stayed with it. The only real art 

Crab. Is the art required in matching colors at a ribbon 
counter. Say, Burwell, it begins to look like that trouble on 
the border is going to be serious. Here's what The News 
says: "El Paso, Tex., May 30. Reliable reports from Gen- 
eral Pershing's column indicate that conditions across the 
border " 

Blow. Speaking of the border reminds me of an experience 
I had in Texas while I was riding the range. (Bur. and Crab. 
disgustedly return to their reading.) I had gone out early one 



THE BLOW-UP OF ALGERNON BLOW 7 

morning to find some cows that got away and I was walking back 
to camp. It was getting late and I was feeling pretty tired. I 
knew the Mexicans didn't like me, but I had my trusty six 
shooter at my side. I was walking across a regular desert of a 
place when suddenly a crowd of Mexicans got up from behind 
cactus plants and began to yell at me to surrender. I shot two 
or three of them, and they decided to get in a bunch and rush 
me. When they got in a bunch I saw my chance. I began 
to whirl my lariat around my head and rode right toward them. 
I intended 

Crab. You rode toward them? I thought you said you 
were walking. 

Blow. So I was, but fortunately, just as the Mexicans 
made their attack, my horse came dashing up. It had broken 
away soon after I left camp and had been hunting me all day. 
But, as I was saying, I swung my lariat around my head and 
lassoed the whole bunch. Then I started to camp with the 
outfit, but the lariat broke and all of them got away. They 
didn't bother me on the way back, though, but I sure was 
walked out when I got there. 

Crab. Why didn't you ride? 

Blow. Well, you see my horse got scared and ran off while 
I was tying my lariat. 

Bur. Let's forget the border. The Giants won again to- 
day, and with Matty in the box. Merkle stole home in the 
ninth with no one out. 

Jones {looking up from his book). Did you say some one 
stole a home with no one out ? I should think stealing a home 
with everybody out would be hard enough, but I don't see why 
the occupants didn't protest. 

Bur. Great Christopher, Jones, don't you know what a 
ball game is ? 

Crab. Don't be alarmed, Jones, it wasn't a home for the 
feeble minded that was stolen. 

Blow. Speaking of stealing home reminds me of the time I 
was playing with the Cubs. 1 stole three bases on one play. 

Sim. Tell us about it. 

Crab, {turning upon Sim.). You watch it, Burwell, while 
I get a club. 

Blow. We were playing with the Phillies. {All except 
Sim. resume reading.) I don't remember who was pitching 
for them. I drew a pass. When I got to first I took a long 
lead and the pitcher threw to first to catch me. I outguessed 



8 THE BLOW-UP OF ALGERNON BLOW 

him and beat it to second. I took another good lead off 
second, and the first baseman threw there. While he was 
making the throw, I scooted for third. I pulled the same 
stunt there, and was just a base ahead of the ball when I 
crossed the plate. I certainly was going some. 

Crab. You're going some place else a lot faster, if you 
don't pay more attention to the truth. 

Sim. I'd think you'd have stayed in the big league. What 
made you quit? 

Blow. Well, you see I was such a sure hitter that the op- 
posing pitchers always walked me. That didn't suit the fans, 
because they want a lot of hitting. The manager finally let 
me out because he said he had to have a man the other pitchers 
would let get a swat at the ball occasionally. 

Crab. You ought to be a writer. You can get more fic- 
tion out of a hard stick than most writers can out of a pen. 

Bur. You'd have old Poe backed off. the boards; and he 
used to write some hair raisers. 

Blow. Shucks ! Poe can't write. Another fellow and I 
were on a ship that went down. We were the only ones who 
escaped. We floated a week on a raft without anything to eat. 
Finally the raft began to sink, and we saw that one of us would 
have to jump overboard. We decided to settle it in an odd 
sort of way. We pitched slices of bread at a crack. The other 
fellow lost. 

Crab. By Jove, that was unfortunate. 

Bur. If you didn't have anything to eat, how did you hap- 
pen to have bread slices to pitch at a crack ? 

Blow. It was salt rising bread, and we couldn't eat it be- 
cause we didn't have any water to drink. 

Sim. Gee, I wish I had had a lot of adventures like that. 

Crab. Use your imagination, you idiot. 

Jones {putting down book). I have almost completed a 
most interesting study. I have been investigating the use of 
the third person in Caesar. 

Blow. I haven't got any use for a third person when I seize 
her. 

Jones. Mr. Blow, your levity is almost sacrilegious. You 
should not jest with the glorious past. 

Blow. The glorious past ! There isn't any such thing. 
The past was too slow. There never was anything doing. 
What I like is excitement. 

Jones. You could have found plenty of excitement in an- 



THE BLOW-UP OF ALGERNON BLOW 9 

cient Rome. They had gladiatorial combats there in which so 
many were killed that the arena was soaked in blood. 

Blow. Gladiatorial combats ! Good-night ! I saw one of 
them in the movies once. The fellows who fought wore tin 
suits and had little short swords. That kind of stuff was tame. 
Give me a good prize-fight every time. But come on, Ferdy ; 
let's go look at that tie. [Exit, L., followed by Sim. 

Jones. Perhaps I am mistaken, but I really believe Mr. 
Blow is ignorant. 

Crab. Ignorant ! He's so confounded ignorant that he 
couldn't tell a French harp from a pipe-organ. 

Bur. I'm getting thoroughly tired of his wind jamming. 
(Rises, crosses l., and seats self on table.} He's the worst 
bore I ever saw. We've got to squelch him, and by George, 
I believe I've got a way. Let's get him in a fake duel and 
scare the life out of him. Then we could kid him so much 
whenever he opened his head that he'd have to shut up. 
Jones, you can help out in this. We'll get him to challenge 
you. 

Jones. Challenge me ! I can't fight. My health always 
has been poor, and I've never had any strength. 

Bur. Who said you'd have to fight him? He won't fight. 
All we've got to do is to make him think he's got to fight. He 
hasn't got nerve enough to fight a chicken. You call him a 
liar or laugh at him, or do any other old thing to him. Then 
leave the rest to me. 

Jones. You're sure you can arrange it so I won't have to 
fight? 

Bur. Sure. 

Jones. I believe I'll do it. And why not make it a gladi- 
atorial combat ? I would like to see Mr. Blow taken to task for 
his rather insulting references to ancient Rome. 

Crab. Why not go about it right and feed him to the 
lions ? 

Bur. We can't do that, but we can make a fool out of him 
by scaring him to death. Are you with us, Crabtree? 

Crab. Sure. It's the first sensible idea I've known you 
fellows to have. 

Bur. Now listen, Jones, you laugh at everything Blow says. 
Leave the rest to me. (Blow and Sim. laugh outside l., and 
Buu. crosses to chair r.) Remember now, laugh at him and 
trust to me. 

Blow (as he and Sim. enter l. and stand talking). Yessir ; 



10 THE BLOW-UP OF ALGERNON BLOW 

she laughed until she cried. It isn't every one who can kid 
her like that and get away with it. 

Jones. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Blow {turning upon Jones). Were you laughing at me? 

Jones. No, sir. (Bur. turns upon him.') Uh-huh — I 
mean yes, sir. 

Blow. You try it again and I'll hammer your head off. 
(Turns again to Sim.) As I was saying, Simp, 1 folded her in 
my arms and 

Jones. Ha, ha, ha ! 



Blow (starting toward Jones). You confounded 



Jones (running behind Bur., who is seated r.). Wait a 
second, wait a second. 

Bur. (rising and bowing to Jones). Sure. I'll be your 
second. 

Blow. Say, what are you talking about ? 

Bur. Jones understood you to challenge him. He asked 
me to be his second. 

Jones. No, no, Mr. Burwell, you are mistaken. I said 

Bur. Sure. I know Blow is mistaken. He thought you 
wouldn't accept. 

Blow. I'll knock his block off. 

Crab. Come, come, gentlemen. Let's not have a brawl. 
This must be a real gentlemanly fight ; in other words, a duel. 

Blow. But I don't want to kill him. 

Crab. Of course not. But you won't need to. You can be 
magnanimous. 

Blow. Be Maggie's nanimus ! I don't know what you're 
talking about, but I'll fight him any old way he wants to. 

Bur. Good. That constitutes a challenge, and, as Jones' 
second, I shall accept for him. Who'll be your second, Blow? 

Blow. You'll be my second, won't you, Simp? 

(Sim. nods.) 

Bur. I believe the challenged party has the right to name 
the weapons. Isn't that right, Mr. Crabtree? (Crab, nods.) 
Then the fight will take place here in this room to-morrow 
morning at five o'clock. The weapons will be Roman short 
swords. The rules of the ancient gladiatorial combat will be 
followed. The men will fight in a ten foot circle. If either 
fighter gets outside the circle, his head is to be cut off. I will 
ask you, Mr. Crabtree, as a disinterested party, to be beads- 



THE BLOW-UP OF ALGERNON BLOW II 

man. I will also ask you to see that we have the swords and 
the ax here to-morrow morning at the allotted time. 

Jones. But, Mr. Burvvell, your idea of gladiatorial combats 
is absurd. 

Bur. Of course Mr. Blow heard. I was talking loud 
enough. Are the terms acceptable to you, Mr. Blow? 

Blow. Certainly. I had a fight just like that in Rome 
three years ago. I killed the Roman champion in a minute 
and a half. 

Jones. A minute and a half ! 

(Curtain descends as Jones slips toward door r.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — Same as Act I. Time : Early the next morning. 
Enter Jones #iw/BuR., R., a?id cross l. to front of table. 

Bur. The others don't seem to have come. I'll bet two 
bils Blow is scared. 

Jones. He isn't any worse scared than I am. I tell you, 
Burwell, I'd like to get out of this. I'm afraid he'll insist on 
fighting. 

Bur. Nonsense. He won't do anything of the sort. There 
isn't a bit of danger. But you've got to keep up your nerve. 
If you blow up on us, he'll be so chesty there'll be no living 
with him. You've got to play like you're Horatius at the 
bridge. 

Jones. That would be all right for Horatius, but I'm no 
soldier. Let's go outside. I'd feel better if I had a little fresh 
air. [Exeunt, r. 

Enter Blow and Sim , l., and cross to front of table. 

Sim. I'll bet Jones is scared. He won't dare fight you. 

Blow. I really should kill that fellow. Still, I don't feel 
much like fighting to-day. Then that fellow Jones looks so 
harmless. I'm afraid my conscience would hurt me the rest 
of my life if I killed him. 

Bur. {outside r.). It really is a shame, Jones, that you are 
going to kill a man on a beautiful morning like this. You 
ought to let him live. Just slash him up a little. 

Jones {outside r.). It all depends on how he acts. I may 
decide to let him live. 

Blow {trembling). What's that? 

Sim. (admiring trembling Blow). Gee, Blow, I wish I 
could be as brave as you are when you are about to fight for 
your life. 

Blow. Let's go up to the room so I can lie down and rest a 
bit, Simp. I always feel better when 1 fight if \ lie down a lit- 
tle while first. 



THE BLOW-UP OF ALGERNON BLOW 1J 

{They exewit, l., and Bur. and Jones enter r., and cross 
to front of table.') 

Bur. Keyholes are mighty handy sometimes. Blow talks 
like he's scared to death. {Looks at watch.) By George, it's 
five o'clock. I wonder where Crabtree is ? 

{Door opens R. and Crab, enters, carrying two butcher 
knives and an ax. He puts knives on table, leans ax 
against table, atid stations himself at l. of table, with 
Jones and Bur. at his r.) 

Crab. Here are the implements of war. I wish I could get 
one swat at Blow with this ax. 

(Jones starts toward door r., but Bur. drags him back.) 

Bur. Keep up your nerve, confound it. 

Crab. Is everything ready ? 

Bur. Yes. This farce will be pulled off just as we decided 
last night. 

Sim. {entering l. ). I have some good news for Mr. Jones. 

Bur. Excellent. Mr. Blow must be ready to fight. 

Sim. Oh, no. He has had a sudden attack of appendicitis. 
He won't be able to fight this morning. He will send down 
the certificate of a physician if you insist. 

Bur. Appendicitis the devil ! Tell him to come down 
here and fight or be branded as a coward. 

Crab. Tell him if he has appendicitis to come down here 
and let Jones operate on him. 

Jones. No, don't — don't tell him that. Tell him 

Bur. {aside to Jones). Confound you, keep up your nerve. 

Jones. Tell him that if he doesn't come down here that I'll 
go up to his room and operate on him, and that he'll miss more 
than his appendix when I get through. 

Sim. I'll tell him what you say, but I warn you that it isn't 
wise to arouse his anger. [Exit, l. 

Jones. Look here, Burwell, I'm not cut out for this sort of 
thing. You take my place. 

Bur. Haven't I told you that it's all a joke ? 

Jones. Yes, I know that's what you said, but if he sticks 
me with one of those knives, the joke will be all on me. 

Bur. You needn't worry. He won't fight. He's scared 
to death now. 



14 The blow-up of Algernon bloW 

Jones. That may be, but what good will it do me to scare 
him to death if it scares me to death at the same time ? 

Blow {entering l., followed by Sim.). Gentlemen, I warn 
you, I shan't be easy after such treatment. My physician 
warned me to take care of myself, and since this fight is forced 
on me, I'll kill Mr. Jones as quickly as possible so I can go 
back to bed where 1 belong. 

Jones. So far as I am concerned, you can go back to bed 
right now. 

Blow. What's that? 

Bur. He said he burned to send you back to bed right 
now. 

Crab. Come, gentlemen, enough of this nonsense. (He 
goes to c, front of table, Jones at his r., and Bur. r. of 
Jones. Blow stations himself at l. of Crab., and with Sim. 
on his L.) I'll explain the conditions of the fight once more. 
First, I'll draw a ten-foot circle here in the middle of the room. 
{He draws circle and returns to his place?) Now, you two 
gentlemen are to fight with these Roman short swords. You 
are to fight until one of you cries for mercy, or gets outside the 
circle. If either of you gets out of the circle, it will become my 
painful duty as headsman to cut off your head immediately 
with this ax. I trust, gentlemen, this will be unnecessary, 
though 1 assure you I shall put the unfortunate one out of his 
misery as speedily as possible. 

Blow. One moment, gentlemen; I believe we had better 
not fight here. 

Crab. Why not? 

Blow. Well, you see, the landlady has been very good to 
all of us, and if I killed a man here in this room, it might hurt 
her business. 

Jones. Do you contemplate committing suicide? 

Bur. (Jo Jones). Good. Keep it up. 

Crab. If you desire, Mr. Blo#, you may avoid this fight 
by getting on your knees to Mr. Jones, apologizing humbly to 
him, and doing whatever penalty he may pronounce upon you. 

Blow. Then I'll fight, but it's against my will. 

Jones. Believe me, I'm thrust into this against my will. 

Blow. What did you say ? 

Bur. He said he believed he'd thrust to kill. 

Crab. Gentlemen, take your places. (Jones stands just 
inside circle at R., facing C, ivith Bur. just back of him. 
Blow stands just inside circle at l. facing c, with Sim. just 



THE BLOW-UP OF ALGERNON BLOW 1$ 

back of him. Crab, hands one knife lo Jones, the other to 
Blow, and, with the ax, stations himself just back of the 
circle.) Now, gentlemen, you must wait for the word. {Both 
men tremble.) Are you ready? (Knock at door, r.) One 
moment, gladiators. Burwell, see who comes to interfere. 

(Bur. opens door and Dr. Slashem enters. Pauses just in- 
side door.) 

Slash. Gentlemen, I am Dr. Slashem. I have been sum- 
moned here to attend a man who is about to be wounded, per- 
haps fatally. Which one is — (Blow is composed, but Jones 
trembles) Mr. Blow? 

(Blow now trembles and Jones recovers.) 

Sim. {pointing to Blow). This is Mr. Blow. 

Slash. Good, or, rather, I should say, too bad. {Crosses 
to settee back of Sim., opens grip, takes out saw, hammer, 
chisel, etc~) You see, gentlemen, 1 come prepared. When I 
was told to come here, I learned that one of the gladiators was 
Mr. Jones. I knew then that it was all over with his opponent. 
I know Mr. Jones' record as a gladiator, and I really am quite 
sorry to see that an amateur has been drawn into a combat 
with one who has literally soaked the sands of the arena with 
the blood of his opponents. 

Blow. Look here, men, I've been deceived. It isn't fair 
to make me fight against a man who knows how to fight this 
way. I demand some other weapons. 

Bur. {who has resumed place at r. of Jones). Very well. 
As the second of the injured party, I shall select shotguns. 
You and Mr. Jones will sit on opposite sides of this table. At 
the word "fire," you will shoot. Are the terms satisfactory, 
or do you wish to find some other excuse ? 

Blow. I'm not looking for any excuse. We'll fight the 
first way. 

Crab. Very well, gentlemen. Are you ready? {'Phone 
rings.) Please answer, Mr. Burwell. 

(Bur. goes to 'phone.) 

Bur. Hello. Yes, this is Mrs. Starvem's residence. Rev. 
Jeremiah Tompkins, did you say ? I'm very glad to meet you, 
Rev. Tompkins. Yes, Mr. Blow is here. Does he want a 
minister? No, I don't think so. He isn't going to be 
married. 



l6 THE BLOW-UP OF ALGERNON* BLOW 

Blow. Yes, I do want to see a minister. We can't have 
this fight until I've talked with a minister. Tell him we'll 
wait. 

Bur. Mr. Blow says he wants to see you. What? You 
don't want to see him? Oh, I see. You merely called to in- 
quire whether he would like to have you conduct the funeral. 

Blow. Tell him for heaven's sake to wait till I'm dead. 

Bur. He says you'll have to wait and inquire after he's 
dead. 

{Hangs up receiver and returns to place behind Jones.) 

Crab. Once more, gentlemen, are you ready? 
(Slash, draws saw across board.) 
Jones. Gentlemen, I'm very sorry, but I've got to go. 
(Starts r.) 

Bur. Come back here. (Jones returns to place.) Why 
are you in such a hurry ? 

Jones. I've got too much studying to do to waste time like 
this. 

Bur. There, Mr. Crabtree, you see how busy Mr. Jones 
is. I trust you will not permit any more interruptions, as my 
principal desires to return to his work. 

Crab. Very well, we shall proceed at once. {Door-bell, 
R., rings.) A plague upon these interruptions. Will you see 
what is wanted now, Mr. Burwell ? 

(Bur. opens door and J. Writemup enters.) 

Wri. (Just inside door). I am Mr. Writemup of The 
Daily News. I am looking for Mr. Jones. 

Bur. I will introduce you. (Leads Wri. to r. of Jones.) 
Mr. Jones, this is Mr. Writemup of The News. 

(They shake hands.) 

Wri. I am informed that you are about to engage in a 
gladiatorial combat, Mr. Jones, and I called to get some further 
details as to your record in the bloody arena at Rome. 

Jones. But I've never gone to Rome. 

Bur. He didn't ask you if you'd gone home. He can see 
you're here. 



THE BLOW-UP OF ALGERNON BLOW 1 7 

Wri. Quite right. I was asking about Rome and your 
record there. 

Jones. But I have no record there. 

Wri. Ah, Mr. Jones, I fear you are too modest. 

Bur. Indeed, he is too modest, as are all really brave men. 
{Glances at trembling Blow.) Since Mr. Jones is so modest, 
I'll give you his record. Mr. Jones spent three years in Rome, 
and was a pupil of the famous gladiator, Spartacus. After 
winning the amateur championship in the school, he joined the 
professionals, and was soon captain of the team Nero organ- 
ized in the Tiber league. While he has told me nothing of his 
exploits, I know positively that he took part in seventy-seven 
combats, and in only one instance did his opponent survive. 
The mercy shown that one man was due to the pleadings of a 
beautiful sister. 

Blow. I wish my sister was here. 

Wri. That is indeed a great record. Thank you very 
much, Mr.— Mr. 

Bur. Burwell. 

Wri. Mr. Burwell. Now, where is Mr. Blow? 

Blow {weakly). I am Mr. Blow. 

Wri. {crossing to r. of Blow). Our paper prides itself on 
obituaries, Mr. Blow, and I am anxious to see that justice is 
done you in the columns of The News. I am anxious to verify 
a few facts about your life. You are quite an intimate friend 
of Amy Tootsie, the movie queen, are you not ? 

Blow. N-o, I never met her at all. 

{All surprised.) 

Wri. Indeed ! I had been told you two were old friends, 
sweethearts even. And you had some wonderful experiences 
on the border, I believe. 

Blow. N-o, I never was on the border. 

Wri. Strange, quite strange. I had heard your friends 
speak of the interesting stories of the border you had told. But 
you fought a most unique duel with slices of bread, did you 
not? 

Blow. N-o, I was only — only — joking. 

Wri. Is it possible? But let me see. You were with the 
Cubs one season. You established a great record at one time 
by running around the bases faster than the Philly infield could 
throw the ball. 



l8 THE BLOW-UP OF ALGERNON BLOW 

Blow. N-o, that was just another joke. 

Wri. Well, this obituary won't be any joke. 

Blow. I know it. 

Wri. Now, Mr. Blow, understanding that The News in- 
sists upon absolute fidelity to facts, please give me, very briefly, 
the facts in your life. 

Blow. I was born on a farm in Indiana. I came to the 
city from the farm and got a job at the ribbon counter in the 
Ridley Emporium. I've been working there ever since. I was 
just joking when I was telling about being in different places. 
I didn't think any one would take it seriously. 

Wri. Well, one thing is certain. After you meet Mr. Jones 
in gladiatorial combat, you'll never joke again. Gentlemen, 
I trust one of you will call me at The News office and let me 
know how long Mr. Blow lives after the thrust is delivered. 

[Exit, r. 

Crab. This time, gentlemen, we shall proceed. 

Blow. But I don't want to fight. 

Crab. You heard the terms. Will you accept them ? 

Blow. N-o, I'd rather fight. 

{Door r. opens without warning and O. Marble Toombs 
enters.} 

Toombs (in sepulchral tones). Who is Mr. Blow ? 
Blow. • I am Mr. Blow. 

(Toombs silently crosses to him, and, with a tape line, takes 
his measurements, putting the figures in a book. JFinishes 
and goes to side of Slash.) 

Toombs. Mr. Blow, do you prefer black or white ? 
Blow. Black or white ? 

Toombs. Yes. What color of casket do you prefer ? 
Blow. I don't understand. Who are you? 
Toombs. I'm the undertaker. 

{Takes out flask a fid holds it to light.') 

Bur. What have you there, Mr. Undertaker ? 

Toombs. Embalming fluid. 

Blow. Gentlemen, I'll do anything to get out of this. I 
don't want to die. 

Crab. Very well. Get on your knees before Mr. Jones. 
(Blow kneels before Jones.) Mr. Jones, what is your penalty ? 



THE BLOW-UP OF ALGERNON BLOW ig 

Jones. Raise your right hand. (Blow does so.) Swear 
you've been a liar, a swell- head and a pest. 

Blow. I swear I have been a liar, a swell-head and a pest. 

Jones. Now swear you'll never bother us with any more of 
those half-witted lies. 

Blow. I swear it. Never again. 



CURTAIN 



REBELLIOUS JANE 

A Comedy in Three Acts 
By Rachel Baker Gale 
Author of « Mr. Bob," " Bachelor Hall," etc. 
Eight females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an exterior and an in- 
tenor. Plays two and a quarter hours. Royalty $5.00 for amateur per- 
formance. Jane Delafield's visit to a ranch makes her discontented with 
the trammels of " society," so she persuades her mother to go " west," 
where she becomes the champion of Elizabeth Weston, who has left home 
to avoid a repugnant marriage urged upon her by her brothers as part of 
a business transaction. This brings her into some extensive and exciting 
complications and a rather more strenuous life than she had planned. 
She gets away with it, however, and all ends well. Irish, colored and 
" old maid " comedy parts. Has been successful for two seasons in manu- 
script. Strongly recommended. 

Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Mrs. Del afield, a woman of fashion, rather blase and bored with 

her social duties. 
Jane, her daughter, young and attractive who rebels against con- 
ventionalities, and takes her family and friends to California zuhere 

they live on a ranch. 
Elise Reynolds, her friend, who also longs for something " worth 

while. 
Anne Weston, Mrs. Delafield ' s social secretary, a young ivoman 

who has run away from her brothers ranch to escape marrying a 

notoriously bad ??ian. 
Mammy Rose, an old colored servant, who has taken care " ob Miss 

"jfaney eber since she war born. 
Samantha Heatherbloom, a strong-minded woman with a bee 
1 industry. 

Ellen, her maid. Excelleiit opportunity for Irish dialect. 
Manda Sharpwell, a spinster who seeks oblivion and repose. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Mrs. Delafield' s garden. 

Act II. — Interior of a house on a ranch in Southern California. 

PLAYING THE GAME 

A Comedy in Two Acts 
By Josepha M. Murray 
Seven females. Costumes, modern; scenery, a single easy interior. 
Plays one and a half hours. Free of royalty. Sirs. Wentworth want,; her 
daughter, Helen, to get a rich husband, and picks out Archie Laurier, an 
impecunious youth whose mother is looking for an heiress for him. Both 
mothers play the game for all that it is worth, but Aunt Phoebe Ellis, from 
the country, gives the whole thing away in the end. Irish comedy part 
Clean and bright. Well recommended. 

Price, 25 cents 



RED ACRE FARM 

A Rural Comedy Drama in Three Acts by Gordan V. May. Seven 
males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior, one exte- 
rior. Plays two hours. An easy and entertaining play with a well-bal- 
anced cast of characters. The story is strong and sympathetic and the 
comedy element varied and amusing. Barnaby Strutt is a great part for 
a good comedian ; " Junior " a close second. Strongly recommended. 
Price, 25 cents 

THE COUNTRY MINISTER 

A Comedy Drama in Five Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Eight males, 
five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery not difficult. Plays a full even- 
mg. A very sympathetic piece, of powerful dramatic interest; strong and 
varied comedy relieves the serious plot. Ralph Underwood, the minister, 
is a great part, and Roxy a strong soubrette ; all parts are good and full 
of opportunity. Clean, bright and strongly recommended. 
Price, 25 cents 

THE COLONEL'S MAID 

A Comedy in Three Acts by C. Leona Dalrymple. Six males, three 
females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. Plays a full even- 
ing. An exceptionally bright and amusing comedy, full of action ; all the 
parts good. Capital Chinese low comedy part ; two first-class old men. 
This is a very exceptional piece and can be strongly recommended. 
Ft ice, 25 cenU 

MOSE 

' A Comedy in Three Acts by C. W. Miles, Eleven males, ten females. 
Scenery, two interiors ; costumes, modern. Plays an hour and a half. A 
lively college farce, full of the true college spirit. Its cast is large, but 
many of the parts are small and incidental. Introduces a good deal of 
singing, which will serve to lengthen the performance. Recommended 
highly for co-educational colleges. Price, ij cents 

OUR WIVES 

A Farce in Three Acts by Anthony E. Wills. Seven males, four fe- 
males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. Plays two hours and 
a half. A bustling, up-to-date farce, full of movement and action ; all 
' the parts good and effective ; easy to produce ; just the thing for an ex- 
perienced amateur club and hard to spoil, even in the hands of less 
practical players. Free for amateur performance. Price, 25 cents 

THE SISTERHOOD OF BRIDGET 

A Farce in Three Acts by Robert Elwin Ford. Seven males, six fe- 
males. Costumes, modern; scenery, easy interiors. Plays two hours. 
An easy, effective and very humorous piece turning upon the always in- 
teresting servant girl question. A very unusual number of comedy parts ; 
^11 the parts goo J„ Easy to get up and well recommended. Price, 25 cenU 



EXCUSE ME! 
A Comedy in Two Acts 
By Gladys Ruth Bridgham 
Four males, six females. Scenery, one exterior and one interior ; cos 
tumes, modern. Plays an hour and a quarter. Robert Stetson gets a joU 
on a big daily on condition that he makes good with a big sensation story 
in three days. Jack Harding, who has it in for him, plans a fake sensa- 
tion to get him in wrong, but by accident abducts in his auto Bob's sister, 
his own sister-in law, who has never seen him. He takes her, under the 
impression that she is really being abducted, to a bachelor suite that her 
husband has retained after his marriage unknown to her, and there his 
troubles begin when Mrs. Harding manages to escape his custody and 
people refuse to take the matter as a joke. An exceptionally rapid and 
exciting piece of comedy with lots of good parts. Strongly recommended. 
Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 
Robert Stetson, an ambitious young newspaper man. 
John Harding, who has it in for him. 
Aloysius Dalrymple, bug-house on butterflies. 
Pinkerton Bean, something in the pill line. 
Elaine Stetson-Harding, Robert s sister. 
Narcissa O'Kee, D airy mple 1 s fiancee, in the " movie" line. 
Martha Winthrop, a neighbor of Mrs. Harding's. 
Alice Lindsey, another. ' 
Dora Atherton, another. 
Katie, made in Ireland. 

MARGERY MAKES GOOD 

A Comedy in Two Acts 
By Lillian Clisby Bridgham 
Six male, ten female characters. Scene, an interior; costumes, modern. 
Plays one hour. Josephine Sears and her " set " of girl friends plan to 
entertain an equal number of her brother Philip's college friends. At the 
last minute one of the « inseparables " falls ill, and as a last resort, Mar- 
gery Deane, a disregarded " mouse," is invited to till the gap. To the 
surprise and consternation of the girls, the despised mouse becomes the 
hit of the evening with the boys. An excellent piece for young people 
calling, as it does, for pretty clothes, college songs and other popular mat- 
ters. All the parts good. 

Price, 25 cents 

MACBETH 

A Tragedy in Five Acts 
By William Shakespeare 
Twenty-three males, four females. Costumes and scenery elaborate. 
Plays a full evening. This latest addition to The William Warren edition 
of plays is the version of this play formerly used in stock at the old Boston 
Museum Company. It presents a capital acting version of this standard 
play for amateur performance. 

Price, is cents 



NO TRESPASSING 

A Play in Three Acts 
By Evelyn Gray Whiting 
Six males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, a single easy in- 
terior. Plays two hours. Free of royalty. Lisle Irving, a lively " city 
girl," goes down into the country on a vacation and to get rid of a hus- 
band of her father's choice whom she has never seen, and runs into the 
very man living there under another name. He meets her by accident 
and takes her to be one of a pair of twins who have been living at the 
farmhouse. She discovers his mistake and in the character of both twins 
in alternation gives him the time of his life, incidentally falling in love 
with him. An unusual abundance of good comedy characters, including 
one — Bill Meader — of great originality and humor, sure to make a big 
hit. Strongly recommended. 

Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Bill Meader, "on the town." 

Jim Meader, son of Bill, a boy of sixteen to eighteen. 

Mr. Palmer, a New England farmer. 

Cleveland Tower, a young city fellow, guest of Raynor, 

Herbert Edmand Raynor, a young Englishman. 

Mr. Irving, father of Lisle. 

Lisle Irving, a girl of seventeen. 

Peggy Palmer, a girl of eighteen or twenty. 

Mrs. Palmer, Peggy s mother. 

Barbara Palmer, a girl of ten or twelve years^ 

Almeda Meader, a gi?i about Barbara ' s age. 

THE GIRL UP-STAIRS 

A Comedy in Two Acts 

By Gladys Ruth Bridgha?n 

Seven females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an interior. Plays an 

Sgour. Daisy Jordan, crazy to get " on the stage," comes to New York 

u«id starves there in a lodging house waiting for her chance. She schemes 

to get an interview with Cicely Denver, a popular actress, to act before 

her, but the result is not at all what she intended. A capital play with 

strong and ingenious opportunities for good acting. Recommended. 

Price, ij cents 

TICKETS, PLEASE! s 
A Comedy in One Act 

By Irving Dale 
Four females. Costumes, modern and fashionable ; scenery, an in- 
terior, not important. Plays twenty minutes. Mignon asks Charlotte to 
get the theatre tickets, Charlotte asks Maude to get them, Maude hands 
over three to Linda, who leaves two at Mignon's house after she has left 
home. But they get to the theatre somehow. Bright, funny and char« 
acteristic. Strongly recommended, Price, ij cents 



JL 01* Pinero's Plays 

Price, 50 gente each 



MID fH ANNFT Pla y in Four Acts> Six mal es, five females. 
mi i/-^l I.M11 llJLi Li Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. 
Plays two and a half hours. 

THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH 23T SffiK 

males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interiors. 
Plays a full evening. 

THF PRHFI T^ATF Play in Four Acts. Seven males, five 
I i 1JL. i l\\Jl LlUft 1 JLi females. Scenery, three interiors, rather 
elaborate ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF VHOni MKTRF^Q Farce in Three Acts. Nine males, 
IIlEi d\,nUULiLYlli3lI\EikX) seven females. Costumes, mod- 
ern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY gg t ta ■SS.^S; 

females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a 
full evening. 

CIITTFT I A VFlSinFR Comedy in Three Acts. Seven males, 
OTTLiLil JUM V JUillL/EiIV four females. Scene, a single interior, 
costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF THITWnFRRfil T Comedy in Four Acts. Ten males, 
lll£i lnUHULADULl nine females. Scenery, three interi- 
ors; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF TIMF^J Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
* "*-i * IlHEiij Scene, a single interior ; costumes, moderj 



a full evening. 



, modern. Plays 



THF WFAK"FR <JFY Comedy in Three Acts. Eight males, 
1 0£i TY IImIVEiIv OIL A eight females. Costumes, modern; 
scenery, two interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE 2S&&25ZS& 

Costumes, modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Matter $. pafeer & Company 

No, 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




%ty ^tlltam W% 

of lla^ 018 603 919 * 

$rtce, 15 Centg <£acl) 



A^ Yftll I I1TF IT Comedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four 
ft J I VII JU1AL II females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, va- 
ried. Plays a full evening. 

PA MIT IF I )rarna m Fi ve Acts. Nine males, five females. Cos- 
vAluiUUL tumes, modern ; scenery, varied. Plays a full evening. 

IMlAMAR P la y m Five Acts. Thirteen males, three females. 
IlillviTlAR. Scenery varied ; costumes, Greek. Plays a full evening. 

MiftY STIJAttT Tragedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four fe- 
lTMa\i iJlUAAl males, and supernumeraries. Costumes, of the 
period ; scenery, varied and elaborate. Plays a full evening. 

THE MERCHANT OF VENICE SSSXSS£& gSSSSl 

picturesque ; scenery varied. Plays a full evening. 

DirHPI IFII ^^y * n Five Acts. Fifteen males, two females. Scen- 
l\IWiLULU ery elaborate ; costumes of the period. Plays a full 
evening. 

THF RIVAI^ Comedy in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. 
1 111/ Al T ALtD Scenery varied ; costumes of the period. Plays a 
full evening. 

SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER °£^£s£1hJ2?£. 

ried ; costumes of the period. Plays a full evening. 

TWELFTH NIGHT; OR, WHAT YOU WILL 2STW-2S: 

three females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, varied. Plays a 
full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Salter ^. Rafter & Company 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 

». J. PARKH1LL flu CO., PRINTERS, BOSTON, U.S.A. 



Pi 25^5 



• llos is 

[to 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

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018 603 919 1 



